I Have Ovarian Cancer

“Wit:” An HBO Film about Ovarian Caner

November 22, 2011 By Allison Leave a Comment

“Wit” is about Dr. Vivan Bearing, an english professor diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. Starring Emma Thompson and Christopher Lloyd, this is an interesting, in-depth, “witty,” raw, emotional film showing one woman’s experience with cancer and the hospital. This film raises a lot of debate and questions and shows the power of communication, patient advocacy, and end of life care. A lot of content is put into an hour and a half and is definitely worth the watch!

Here is the trailer:                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoNDpg8IquA

Thank you

June 27, 2011 By Allison 1 Comment

I haven’t made a post in a while – thanks to my friend, Hope, I’ve decided to fix that!

It’s been a little over 7 months. I kept to myself for a long time. Slowly I started hanging out with my friends again. I started to exercise, eat a little better, and by April I was feeling at least semi normal again. May was an exciting month because I was doing a lot of preparation for nursing school (which started this month).

The one thing that kept bothering me was the fact that I hadn’t cried – at all – since New Years.

I asked my sister and a couple of people about it. I asked if something was wrong with me. Because so much grieving took place throughout the three year process, especially so towards the end, it’s likely that I did some adjusting. Nevertheless, I became concerned that I was bottling up my feelings more than I thought and more than I should.

I was out with a friend getting frozen yogurt one evening and we fell into that conversation. He asked me why I don’t talk about Her as much anymore – and for some reason, not only could I not answer that question, I had to stand up and walk around a little because I got so upset. I felt bad because I thought I may have regressed. I felt I was still in denial. I haven’t deleted Her number in my phone. I’ve even tried to call Her a few times.  For a while there I wasn’t thinking about her as much because I felt like I would just be seeing her next week or something…That scared me. The moment sooner passed.

Last week, we had a guest speaker come to one of my classes. At the end of the lecture, she played a short film. It was a black-and-white photo montage set to Pachelbel’s Canon in D. It was about a family affected by AIDS. The photos were powerful images of the pain and suffering of disease. Struggle, grief, sorrow, hope, and the loss of hope – these images and thoughts struck deep into my heart. Yes, the film was about AIDS, but the photographs could have been taken at OUR home, in HER hospital room. When the first tear or two rolled down my cheek, I was actually relieved because it had been so long since I had cried at all. Soon after that, however, I had to leave the class room. I ran to the lady’s room and was surprised to see another classmate had also relocated. I wanted to comfort her – that’s my M.O. – but I simply fell apart. We sat together on the bathroom floor and exchanged our stories as best we could.

One by one, other ladies from our class came and sat with us. The film had touched everyone to some degree. I don’t cry much. I don’t like crying in front of people. That day though, I felt very comforted – I haven’t known these people for more than a few weeks and yet I felt very safe in their presence. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people that understand – that have been there. I haven’t had meaningful, emotionally charged hugs like that in a long time. It’s been a while since someone placed their hand on mind and sincerely said I’m here for you.

One girl in particular had lost her mother a year or two ago – she sought me out later that day to tell me that she gets it. She is the FIRST person to look me in the eye and tell me that she REALLY gets it. I had never felt so at ease and not alone. Another person, just like me, in pain but dealing the best she can.

To those who were there that day, I want to thank you. Thank you for taking in a practical stranger, a mere acquaintance, and making her feel a little less sad and a little less lonely. Thank you for your understanding, stories and love. Every one of you is a special person – a true gem. You will all make fabulous nurses one day! I am honored to be in the same class as you! Thank you.